My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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