Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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