just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
