in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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