I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
