dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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