Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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