In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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