dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Randomize
