this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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