I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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