She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
