Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
