i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
