I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
