Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
