How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
