I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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