They should really pass out barf bags in church
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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