yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
