So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
