Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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