Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
