He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
They took my balls.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
