I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
