My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
