i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
