You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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