So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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