Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
