roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
