when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
