dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I still have a little drunk in my system
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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