if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
