I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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