seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
