The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
