I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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