I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
