Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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