i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
