If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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