Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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