i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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