I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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