Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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