I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
