i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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