my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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