Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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